Shrewdness of Apes - a new novel by Roger Frederick

Arrivals…

“Stick The Clubbers’ Bible in will you mate? I feel like larging it.”

“Sure thing man. Throw the cigarettes across will you?”

The tacky looking BMW with blacked out windows and a DIY body-kit passed the sign for Heathrow airport. Adam Nobell was sitting arrogantly at the wheel, his curly dark hair gelled to the point of being a fire hazard, and with a pair of Bolles perched on his nose. He was sweating profusely, barely able to move under the confines of his brand new Dolce and Gabbana leather jacket. The car was like an oven, but in Adam’s world fashion came before practicality, and therefore he would rather dehydrate than miss a chance to be seen in Italian leather.

In the passenger seat, Adam’s best friend Davey Chowder sat openly admiring his friend. As usual, he was sporting head to toe Paul Smith, right down to his socks, pants and aftershave. He had the chair reclined at a 45 degree angle, and was leaning back, nonchalantly sucking on the remains of an Embassy No. 1.

In the rear of the car, Charlie Hall and Grace Moorhouse were doing their best to avoid choking on the heady aroma of stale cigarette smoke and fake aftershave that was lingering in the air. The girls were wedged in the back of the car amongst fag packets and fast food containers. There were CDs strewn everywhere out of their cases, crushed drinks cups from the various fast food places Adam had been to, and to make it worse, he always seemed to insist upon having the most revoltingly scented Magic Tree he could lay his hands on. The aroma of that particular week was a sickly Pina Colada fragrance which was giving Charlie a headache. She sighed to herself, drained after enduring a 100 mile, two-hour drive to Heathrow in such conditions.

To pass the time, and to make it possible to complain about their boyfriends without them knowing, the two girls were scribbling notes to each other on a torn out piece of Grace’s diary, which made comments on how they felt about their designated drivers. The subject matter wasn’t exactly expressing praise.

“Hey Davey,” Adam said, his cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth as he attempted to change gear. “I’m going to be on Junior Masterchef in January.” He made his announcement proudly to his amazed friend.

“No way,” came the stunned and impressed reply. “You’ll get to meet some really fit telly birds.”

In the rear of the car, the two girls looked at one another in absolute amazement at what they were hearing. It was hard to believe that the two excuses for men in front of them were about to take final exams for a degree. “On Masterchef? I think not,” said Charlie, looking at Grace and rolling her eyes.

“Actually, I think you’ll find I will,” Adam snapped at his girlfriend, glaring at her through the rear-view mirror. “Some very influential people work on that show. My father knows the Executive Producer, and his son is in the Oxford rowing team.”

Charlie looked at Grace and shook her head.

Davey on the other hand was visibly more impressed. He swivelled round in his seat to face Adam, his eyes wide like a small child’s. “Really? You can network no end there then!” He paused, and let out a sad sigh. “Man, I wish I could cook.” As a consolatory measure, he dejectedly reached for the copy of Max Power he’d bought at the Services. He began idly flicking through it, nudging Adam and showing him a picture of some topless blonde draped across the front of a body kitted XR3i with a lurid paintjob. Both of them nodded approvingly at one another.

“I’d give her one,” Adam informed Davey.

“You’d have to fight me for her!” Davey replied with the giggle of a seven year old.

Grace and Charlie looked at one another in astonishment.

“Erm, excuse me, we are still here,” Charlie snapped.

Adam looked at her in the rear view mirror. “Sorry hun. You know I think you’re top totty as well.”

“You can say that again.” Davey did a full turn in his seat and eyed Charlie up.

Charlie stared at him disbelievingly. “Well, I can sleep easier now I know that.”

Davey grinned suggestively and turned back to Adam. “If you ever fancy lending her to me mate, I’d love a go! I’ll let you have mine for a night.”

“You might have yourself a deal there mate,” Adam grinned at his friend.

It was only the thought of spending two weeks away from him that kept Charlie from exploding at that point. She angrily threw herself back in her seat, biting her lip and folding her arms. Grace stared at the creatures in the front with her mouth half open, completely lost for words. The two girls glanced at each other and Grace scribbled something derogatory down on the paper, which made Charlie laugh.

Davey settled back into his seat and resumed his perusal of Max Power. He paused again at a picture of two blondes having a snog. “Wey-hey! Girl on girl action!” He wafted the page in front of Adam’s face.

“Niiicce,” Adam drawled.

Davey turned round in his seat to face the girls, a ridiculous suggestive grin pasted across his face. “Hey, can’t you two girls give us a little…”

“No.” Grace stared at Davey so hard he turned back round and without a word fixed his eyes back on the magazine.

“Hot Hatches,” he said quietly to Adam. “Hey, look at that Astra.”

Adam looked across quickly whilst trying to change lanes. “It is phat?”

“Totally.”

“I’d love an Astra.”

Charlie sniggered and looked at Grace. “You’re taking the piss?”

Grace looked at her in amazement then at Davey and Adam. “An Astra?”

“Yeah. What?”

“You’d love an Astra?”

“Oooh, yeah. They’re awesome,” Davey purred.

Grace shook her head. “Don’t people normally crave nice BMWs or Mercedes or Jags?”

“No way,” Davey argued. “Astras are top notch. They look so cool, especially when they’re built down to the floor with alloys and a spoiler.”

“Orgasmic,” Grace sighed disinterestedly, her attention grabbed by the sight of the forecourt to their destination airport hotel not too far ahead of them. She was starting to see why dating someone two years younger than herself had been deemed by others to be such a huge mistake, despite his father’s considerable wealth. “Oh look, we’re here. You can drop us here if you want.”

Davey turned round in his seat to look at Grace. “Adam will drive you both up to the door. We don’t want these London people perving on our girls. Besides, I want my goodbye snog before you go.”

“Raaatherrrr,” said Adam, attempting to sound sultry, but failing miserably.

Charlie and Grace lifted their own cases out of the boot whilst the two boys checked their reflections in the car windows. The girls paused by the car, watching with disgust as the two boys then pretended to have a little fight with each other.

“This has got to stop,” muttered Grace as she heard Davey shout ‘gay-boy’ at Adam. “I mean, people are looking.” She glanced at Charlie to see her response.

Charlie had her arms folded and was looking at them both contemptuously. “We’re going in now,” she said deliberately, as if she were talking to a five year old.

“Hang on Charlie,” Adam panted and he bounded forward. He put his arms round her and then shuffled the two of them along the path a bit so that he could still see Davey and his own reflection.

Davey had his arms round Grace and his face buried in her neck. He looked up at Adam and grinned. Adam grabbed Charlie’s bottom and grinned back at him.

When their pathetic performance was mercifully over, Grace and Charlie watched with some relief as the two boys drove off. Grace got out a tissue from her handbag and wiped her neck. “Has he left a mark?” she asked Charlie with disgust at what she’d just had to endure.

Charlie squinted at her neck. “Only a small one.”

“How appropriate.”

“Well, I don’t even want to know what that big tosser has done to my arse.” Charlie scowled as she watched the trashy BMW swerve about whilst they hooted at two passing girls. Davey waved his arm out of the window as they drove past. The two passing girls squealed excitedly then waved back.

“How sad?” Charlie sighed, as they turned round to walk into the hotel.

“Wanker!” yelled Garry Kipling as a tacky looking BMW with blacked out windows and a DIY body-kit nearly hit his gleaming red Nissan Micra on the mini-roundabout near the Heathrow Travel Hotel.

“Calm down Garry,” whined his sister Nadine. “You’re scaring me!” Nadine, a dumpy pale girl with an orangey-blonde perm and an interesting taste in ill-fitting Lycra, was sitting in the back of the car with a suitcase either side of her. The Micra could only take one case in the boot and that was Lizzie Cherry’s, a family sized case about a foot thick. Lizzie sat proudly in the front next to Garry. She was trying to put a tape on whilst Garry was attempting to change gear.

“Watch it!” she snapped as Garry nudged her wrist and the Strawberry Daiquiri Magic Tree got knocked to the floor again. “This is ‘Ibiza Re-Union ‘99’. If you damage it, you’ll have to replace it.” Lizzie whacked up the volume and began grooving in her seat. Nadine gave a delighted scream and started joining in.

Garry grimaced at the noise, particularly the vocal accompaniment coming from the rear of the car. “Pack it in! I need you to read the map!” he bellowed over the din. Not only was Lizzie distracting him, her arms were also getting in the way. She ignored him and started pumping her hips to ‘Horny Horny Horny’.

In no time Garry was heading for Terminal Four down a dual carriageway.

Nadine let out a scream. “Gaarrreey! This is freight and flights to South Africa!”

Still battling over the music and arm flailing, he yelled back “I fucking know! I can’t turn round!”

Lizzie had by this time lit a fag and was ‘fwwoaring’ at a lorry driver who had overtaken Garry on the inside because he was going so slowly.

“I’m scared!” squealed Nadine as another sign flashed past saying ‘Freight Terminal and Air-Malaysia’.

“He’s well fit, I’d give him one!” Lizzie winked suggestively at the lorry driver as he passed them. She settled back into her seat just in time for the chorus. “Come on Nadine, join in! I’m horny, horny horny horny!”

“For god’s sake, SHUT UP!!!” Garry ripped Lizzie’s tape out of the cassette player and flung it out of the window. It bounced once and then shattered as a condom lorry ran over it.

Lizzie stared at him and then punched him in the arm. “You miserable bloody bastard!” She punched him again, this time harder.

Losing his grip on the wheel, Garry swerved violently into the path of the condom lorry. The lorry driver sounded his horn and braked hard, his wheels squealing against the road.

“Garreeeeeeeey!” Nadine squealed. “We’re gonna get killed now!”

“Oh god, he’s gonna hit us Garry!” Lizzie bellowed, craning round in her seat.

Garry was all over the road and so was the lorry. Within a few seconds the lorry had nudged the crash barrier, causing it to lose balance and shed its load. Condoms flew everywhere and drivers on the other carriageway almost came to a stop to look at what was going on. It wasn’t long before Garry could see blue flashing lights and hear that familiar sound…

Nathan Wright wiped the tears from his eyes as Rob Chamberlain turned off the radio news. “No way!” he laughed. “A condom lorry shed its load?!”

In the back of the car, Nathan’s brother Nick was wheezing and trembling with his face buried in his hands. He opened his mouth to make a comment, but was unable to get the words out. Nathan looked at him in the vanity mirror and shook his head.

“Stop giggling now will you?!” Rob spluttered. “I’m trying to drive and you two are making me laugh!”

“Hey, don’t cause an accident,” said Nathan gravely.

Nick caught his breath momentarily. “Hey, all we need now is for a Viagra lorry to go over and we’re all in business…!” The last word was lost as he fell into fits of hysteria again, and he almost slid off the beige leather seat he was sitting on.

Nathan shook his head and tried to hold back a grin. “You’re not funny, you’re totally immature.”

Rob started laughing again when he saw Nathan trying to be serious. It was really obvious by his facial expression and the fact that he was squinting that he was desperate to laugh, but felt like it was his duty to be sensible.

Nathan looked up and saw Rob’s doubtful expression. “If you don’t stop laughing you’re gonna be all red faced when you meet Grace,” he stated in a smug parental tone.

Rob glanced across at Nathan, his dark brown eyes conveying an expression of curiosity. “So? She won’t mind. It’s not like I’m trying to snare her or anything. She’s spoken for isn’t she?”

Nathan slyly grinned. “So is Charlie, but all’s fair in love and war and all that stuff.”

“What do you mean by that?” Nick demanded, wiping his nose, which had begun to run from laughing so much.

“Nothing for you to be concerned about,” sighed Nathan. “You just keep laughing at the condom lorry.”

Nick began to snigger again.

Rob had suddenly become interested in what Nathan had to say. “So you’re gonna make a play for Charlie?”

Nathan looked across at Rob with wide eyes. “Wait ‘til you see her Rob, she’s gorgeous.”

Rob grinned excitedly at the sniff of gossip. “What’s she look like then?”

Nathan’s eyes narrowed as he pictured Charlie in his head and a hint of a grin spread across his lips. “Amazing,” he sighed. “She’s about 5’7”, dark hair, fantastic blue eyes, slim, great legs, amazing…”

“I get the picture,” Rob grinned. He paused for a moment, trying to think of a way to ask the question he wanted the answer to without appearing interested. “And, erm, what about Grace?” He pointedly looked out at a road sign indicating that they were 13 miles from their destination.

Nathan grinned at Rob’s attempted cover up. “She’s about 5’7” too, long dark curly hair, green eyes, slim, she’s nice.” Nathan grinned in Rob’s direction. “Your kinda girl Rob.” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“Hmm.” Rob looked out of the driver side window, still attempting to appear disinterested. “So, do you think you will make a move on Charlie then?”

Nathan shrugged. “I dunno what to do for the best really. I mean, I’ve known and liked her for years, but there’s always been some bloke on the scene and I haven’t wanted to get in the way. But I get a feeling that her current beau is a loser.”

“Why?”

“I’ve been talking to Grace. She told me some of the shit he does, all this gay fighting and package holidays on the Costa Blanca where he feels his mate’s dick and stuff.”

Rob stared across at Nathan in disbelief and disgust. “Who’s his mate?”

“Davey, Grace’s bloke.”

“What?!” gasped Rob. “Grace is dating a guy who lets other guys feel his dick and whose name is Davey? I thought you said she was a classy girl who took no messing?”

“She is, she’s really nice. Your kind of girl. But there’s one problem - she’s not your girl. She’s with Davey the dork and Charlie is with Adam, the guy with a miniature dick.”

“Did Grace tell you he had a miniature dick?”

“No. I’m just guessing at that part.”