Shrewdness of Apes - a new novel by Roger Frederick

Chapter 1

The silver grey convertible Mercedes pulled silently to a halt in the hotel car park. The three men got out groaning because of their stiff legs and backs.

Nick looked really tired. “Have you been laughing at that condom lorry since way back?” asked Nathan as he pulled his suitcase from the boot.

Nick nodded sheepishly. “It’s not funny anymore,” he said. “I’ve got a headache from it.”

Nathan shook his head and looked at Rob. “Somebody gave him a job as well.”

Rob laughed at them both as he slammed the boot closed, and they began wandering up to the lobby entrance, dragging their cases behind them.

Nathan opened the door to the drab and unwelcoming airport hotel. Like every travel stopover hotel that any of them had ever been in, the reception consisted of a few chairs, a basic reception desk with a miserable looking attendant, and millions of leaflets advertising places that were nowhere near the hotel. It also had the standard travel stopover hotel smell – a sort of polish and new office carpet combination that ensured that you somehow never quite felt relaxed and settled there.

No sooner had they entered the lobby, they heard a loud cry.

“NATHAN!” Charlie raced over and threw her arms round him.

Nathan gave her a long hard hug. “Hey babe. What time did you get here?”

Charlie rolled her eyes. “We’ve been here ages sitting in the bar. Nob-all insisted on bringing us early so he could get back in time to play golf with his dad.”

Rob raised his eyebrows when he saw Charlie and the greeting Nathan gave her. He looked at Nick.

Nick sighed and shook his head. “Your eyebrows ain’t the only thing raised round here,” he said in a low voice.

“Nob-all is such a loser,” Nathan responded to Charlie’s statement. “I would have thought he’d want to spend as long as possible with you before you left.”

“Not Nob-all,” Charlie replied sadly. “He’s glad to get rid so he can have his junior whores round. Besides, he’s got to prepare for his lad’s weekend in Bognor remember.”

Nathan raised his eyebrows. “Hmm, how could I forget? Anyway…” he lowered his voice and leaned closer to her. “I want to introduce you to Rob, you know, the guy we’re gonna hook Grace up with.”

Charlie’s eyes lit up. “Oh yes…” She grinned suggestively and turned around. Nathan took her arm and led her across to where Rob and Nick were standing. Rob broke from his conversation with Nick and looked at them as they approached.

“This is Charlie,” Nathan began, pushing her towards him.

Rob took her hand and pressed it to his lips. “Rob Chamberlain,” he said, still clutching her hand in front of him.

Charlie blushed a little and smiled, unaccustomed to such gentlemanly behaviour.

“Nice to meet you,” she grinned.

“The pleasure is all mine,” he cooed. “I’ve heard so much about you. You’re exactly how Nathan described you - in every detail.” He smiled politely and then looked at Nathan knowingly.

Charlie blushed again and gave Nathan a questioning look. He just smiled innocently and looked at the floor.

Charlie turned her attentions to Nick. “Hey mate!” She gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. “How are you? What you been up to?”

Nick rolled his eyes. “Not a lot actually. Working mostly. It’s crap.” He glanced around the lobby. “Where’s Grace?”

“Oh, she’s, erm, gone to powder her nose,” replied Charlie, guessing that Grace wouldn’t want him to know that she had actually gone to phone Junior Masterchef to inform them that Adam was too old to take part.

At that moment, Grace appeared from a phone kiosk. “Nathan!” she called. “Hi!” She gave him a much more sedate hug than Charlie had done and kept her hands above his waist. “Hi Nick,” she said, turning her attentions to his brother and also hugging him. “What’s the matter? You look really tired. Was it a long journey?”

Nick rolled his eyes and looked away. “Don’t start me off,” he sighed.

“We’ll tell you later,” said Nathan. “First I want you to meet Rob.”

Rob took a step forward, a conspiratorial grin on his face as her saw exactly what the other two meant about her being ‘his kind of girl’. “Rob Chamberlain,” he smiled, extending a hand towards her.

Grace looked at Rob. She found him so gorgeous that she was worried that she was going to blush. “Hello Rob,” she said trying to retain her composure. “It’s a pleasure.”

“The pleasure is all mine,” he whispered, leaning in to give her a kiss on each side of her face which lingered slightly longer than necessary.

Grace swallowed hard and smiled politely, despite her face feeling hot enough to heat a small town. “It’s lovely to meet you,” she managed, straightening herself out and attempting to look unruffled. “I, erm, have to go and powder my nose. Charlie, would you like to come with me?”

Once inside the ladies, Grace let out a squeal of excitement. “Did you see that Sex God out there? Did Nick and Nathan genetically modify a normal man or something? God, he’s just my type – tall, dark hair, brown eyes, well dressed. They must have read my Christmas list!”

“He likes you,” said Charlie with a big grin.

“No he doesn’t,” Grace lied.

“Oh yeah,” Charlie drawled sarcastically. “The guy looked like the cat who’d got the cream. Ten quid says he makes a play for you before the trip’s over.”

Grace looked momentarily smug, but then slightly deflated. “Yeah, well I’m stuck with the delightful Davey aren’t I?”

“Get real. Rob’s a lawyer you know…”

Grace theatrically grabbed Charlie for support. “My god, I feel deceit coming on.”

“Join the club,” said Charlie in a low voice as she helped Grace to the mirror.

Nick looked at Rob. “Well, I’ve never seen Grace like that before. She’s normally super cool with guys she doesn’t know. Looks like you’ll be needing the contents of the lorry my friend…”

“Don’t be so cheap,” Rob chided. “That jacket she was wearing was tailored to perfection. She’s not the sort of woman who’d be needing a lorry load of Jonnies on the first night.”

Rob looked to Nathan for support, but he was glaring angrily at a gang of suited businessmen waiting to be checked in. “Did you see them blokes staring at Charlie’s arse as she passed?”

Rob laughed to himself, raising his eyebrows and shaking his head at Nick.

“Oh fantastic,” Nick moaned. “I hope you two are not gonna be like a pair of horny primates all night. I don’t want to listen to you drooling over them two all holiday. Nathan, you ought to know better. Charlie’s not gonna bother with you is she? She’s got the charming Adam to go home to, hasn’t she?”

Nathan snapped out of his longing trace and looked at his brother. “I know, I know. God only knows why she’s with him though, but what can you do? Except dream.” He sighed deeply.

Rob grinned at him. “Hopefully we’ll be doing more than dreaming by the time this trip’s over. Now come on you two, we better get checked in.”

When the girls returned from their lengthy ‘nose powdering’ session, they all agreed to go and freshen up before meeting for dinner. It wasn’t until Grace and Charlie were in their room that they remembered about the other three members of their party.

“Where do you suppose Kippers and friends are?” called Grace from the bathroom.

Charlie looked at her with an expression of distaste. “Hopefully back in hell where they came from.”

“I would have thought Lizzie would have been here by now giving out orders.”

“She’d better not,” Charlie warned. “I had no time for her bossiness before, but now I think I’ll be even less tolerant. There’s no way I’m taking two weeks of her shit.”

“I’m still wondering if this was such a good idea,” Grace mused as she did her make-up in the bathroom mirror. “Going on holiday with your mates can be a mistake at the best of times, but going with people you’ve actually fallen out with could be a recipe for disaster. I know we’ve sort of said that we’re letting bygones by bygones, but…”

“A leopard never changes its spots.”

“Exactly.”

Charlie was thoughtful for a moment. “It is funny though that they’re not here yet. She’s usually a stickler for precise timekeeping. Where do you reckon they’ve got to?”

“The way that lot behave, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were in police custody,” Grace replied in jest.

Garry groaned. “Yes Officer, it is my car… of course it’s insured… yes, I’ll give a sample… yes I am aware that I was heading for the freight terminal… £200 for littering?! It was only a cassette!”

The officer folded his arms. “We take a very dim view of drivers like you Mr. Kipling. We’ve checked your name and address and it seems that you live with several people, all with different surnames. Are you part of a community scheme?”

Garry began to bang his head on the table.

The arresting officer flinched and covered his ears as Nadine let out a scream. “Is Garry gonna go to jail?”

“No. But we will have to caution him for dangerous driving, littering and threatening behaviour. We had a report from a gentleman earlier today claiming that a man in a red Nissan Micra screamed an obscenity at him on a mini roundabout near the Heathrow Travel Hotel. The description matches Mr. Kipling and the car.”

Nadine’s began to sob hysterically – and very loudly - until Lizzie was brought in to calm her down. “Lizzaaayy! Garry’s bein’ charged with loads of bad things. What are we gonna do?”

“I demand a lawyer!” bellowed Lizzie. “I know my rights. I want a phone call, a hot meal and a lawyer.”

“A hot meal followed by a lawyer would suit me fine,” said Grace with a dirty grin as she brushed her hair.

“Damn right” called back Charlie as she dried her hair. “A hot meal followed by a service from my favourite mechanic would be just perfect.”

Grace placed her hairbrush down and stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. “Did you see Davey and Adam hooting those girls today?” she sighed, her tone both dejected and disgusted.

“Yeah I did. No doubt they’ll be up to all sorts while we’re away.”

“Sometimes I wonder why we bother with them. I know they’re both loaded but is that really worth the humiliation that comes with being their girlfriends?”

“It’s not their money either. They’re both bankrolled by their Dads. They don’t know what it’s like to do a day’s work. Maybe that’s why they’re so immature.”

Grace rolled her eyes, and let her head fall forward. “You know, I daren’t even speak to that Rob guy, let alone get down and dirty with him.” Her eyes went dreamy for a moment as she thought of how gorgeous he’d looked in the reception. “Anyway, what about you? Are you really gonna make a play for Nathan?”

Charlie looked at the floor. “I doubt it. I mean, he’s my mate and it’d ruin our friendship if he didn’t feel the same way. I’ll just have to perve on him from afar. I can handle it.” She grinned to herself as an image of him sprang into her mind. “Do you remember that day back in summer when it was really hot and he took down the top of his overalls at the garage?”

“Oh yes,” gasped Grace. “You mean when he had machine oil on his bare chest?”

There was a loud crash as the thought made Charlie drop the hair dryer on the floor.

“Are you ok?” Grace called, peering round the bathroom door to check.

Charlie awoke from her drool inducing trance. “Yeah,” she answered defensively, retrieving the drier and turning it off. “I just got a bit distracted.”

“Hmm, I’ll bet.”

“Shut up Grace. You just concentrate on making yourself look lovely for when your mate shows up. You know we’ll all probably get a full cleanliness check when she arrives. Don’t want us bringing her group into disrepute.”

Grace looked at herself in the mirror. “Oh, the names of certain members of the group may just be brought into disrepute if I get my way…” she told herself with a devilish grin.